Husbands unite - to enslave wives

And then there were the reactions to this growing awareness and strength of women............

                                                    Husbands unite-to enslave wives

The husbands have started organizing.  So strong women; independent women; wives who are not going to take it lying down each time; women who have had enough of being based over; wives who are called “hen-peckers”-watch out.

Describing themselves as “bullied and harassed husbands”.  A forum called “Pati-Manch” (husbands” forum) has been formed in Kanpur, of all places; to sort-out the problems of “weak husbands”.  They want to get together to get rid of their “worries”—more details are not given, so I presume it means their wives.

A newspaper report says that “besides social workers, a retired judge and a doctor have been appointed to attend to the needs of the bullied husbands”

Not bad-a union of weak husbands, by weak husbands, for weak husbands.  Trying to some-how regain their “rightful” place –as head of the family.

I wonder how the Manch awards membership to the organization.  How does a male produce “evidence” that he is a bullied husband?  Does he has to bring two witnesses who say that they saw him being chased around the house by the wife who had a broomstick in her hand; and who was simultaneously throwing empty bottles at his head?

Does he become bullied if his wife does not jump up as soon as he enters the door, and welcomes him with a piping hot cup of tea, some edibles, freshly cooked and straight from the fire?  Does he become henpecked if his wife talks back to him? Does he have to show bruises for the doctor to examine?

And will the wife have a chance to defend herself?  Come in front of this forum and say, “Respected sirs.  I chased him around the house with a carving knife because he wanted me to get in to prostitution to get money so he could drink”.  (And this isn’t fictitious – there’s this news report that a woman hacked her husband to death for the same reason).  Or else, “Sir, I am an honorable woman, I only picked up the broom after he chased me with the kitchen knife” or, “Sir, he was trying to pour kerosene on me, so……

O another, “Sir,  I work all day 10 hours and this fellow just sits here, he doesn’t work, and when I come, he hasn’t done a thing in the house, every-thing is in a mess,  and on top of it all he wants a hot cup of tea and  I have to make it.  Honorable retired judge, is it asking too much that he should help in the house while I work, and perhaps have a cup of tea for me when I come home tired?”

Men’s groups are developing all over the world in response to the women’s movement.  But these have had a different basis.

Women’s groups have been attacking the sexual division of labour – insisting that house-work and child care is not only woman’s work that any person can do it, and that men must help in the house.  And women can just as well be intelligent, and can therefore do any work there is.  Not just as nurses, secretaries’ social work etc.  Why not more engineers, space scientists and the like?

And more than this the sexual division of emotion.  Women have so far held the monopoly of emotions. It was all right for them to be caring, loving towards everyone; it was alright and somehow cute when she felt dependent, hurt and burst into tears.  But a man was meant to be strong; the dependable was one who would never break down-what a man!

And some men have begun to feel the strain.  Many of them have started saying, that’s not the way I am, that’s not the way I want to be.  I don’t want to be silent strong Bogart who goes out to conquer the world I feel scared.  Some would like to be with children, look after them, and care for them.  It brings them in touch with their own emotions.

Why is it that men find it so difficult to talk about their feelings of hurt emotional needs, “big boys don’t cry” mothers have always told their sons.  And for decades men have covered their hurts, shut their eyes to tears.  Now they are beginning to ask why.  Why can’t men cry? Why aren’t men allowed to be human?  Surely it is human to feel and to cry when hurt?

Thus the basis of these men’s groups is an effort to try and get more human understanding of what it means to be a man to-day.  They don’t want to be the boss in a marriage:   they want to be equal, but this also means changing men’s and women’s attitude towards what masculinity is all about.

How many women talk, shout and scream about female equality, and actually want a strong masculine man, a successful man, one who is dependable, who never breaks down no matter what the pressure.  And if her own husband breaks into tears. What will she think?  If she calls him a sissy, not  “man enough” then surely she is being as sexiest, as much a female chauvinist pig as the bully man she puts down.

But the basis of this “Pati Manch”  set up in Kanpur seems to be quite different.  It seems to be some attempt of men to try and regain some of the power in their families-its power struggle going on. They seem to be saying that men should be “men”-the head of the family, to be bowed down to by one and all.  Somehow this is not happening.  And so they are feeling bullied and harassed.

But don’t men feel oppressed by their roles of bring men?  At one time.  I thought men had life made for them, what could they have to complain about?  Now I realize how wrong it is.  It is quite a strain to have to be the provider in the family, to perpetually carry the burden, to see your worth measured in terms of money earned: quite a strain never to be able to talk about your feelings, never to cry, to keep yourself pent up because that’s what everyone calls a strong man; quite a strain to not be able to stop working for a year, to think about what you want to do in life because the entire family depends on you, and what will people think?  Quite a strain to always have to make the first move in a man-woman relationship.

Are there men in India who are rebelling against these roles?  And are they forming any male liberation groups?

                                                                                                                          June 21, 1982