Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The first Sex survey of Indian women...the savvy study

                                                 THE SEX LIFE 0F INDIAN WOMEN
                 
                    Many have asked, why this survey?
                   The main reason was to find out what Indian women actually do and feel.   Many myths abound - “Indian women are…..”   “You are abnormal,”  “you should feel….” And based on these, they often carry a fear, or guilt complex wondering if they alone are masturbating, wanting more or less sex, have been molested or have a woman lover.  A survey of this kind helps break the silence, in what we know is a snowballing effect.   By actually knowing what is going on, our negative feelings are removed, and positive feeling are reinforced.   Also as social scientists, we study all phenomena in society to ascertain if there is a changing trend.   Is sexual activity occurring at a younger age?   Is there a trend towards a monogamous or a multipartnered relationship?   It is only surveys such as these which can give us statistical data on trends.   It is also helps us understand whom we need to address sex-education to.   Many parents wait till their daughters are in wedding finery - should we be talking to them earlier?   With this survey, we have learnt a lot and are sure that you will too!
                  We received around 50 responses to our survey, and even at the time of writing they are still coming in.   We hadn’t quite known what to expect, considering that this was the first time women have been asked to talk about their sexuality.   The opening up of this hidden arena in women’s lives was sure to be accompanied by various emotions joy, fear, hesitation.   We heard of many cases where groups of women got together and for the first time and discussed some of the questionnaire.   In some cases, husbands and wives began to talk to each other about their feelings and their past.   Many women wrote.   “Thank you SAVVY for being daring enough to talk openly about something which is so crucial and central in our lives, and which is kept so hidden.”   Many attached long additions sharing with us their fears, frustrations and joys.
                   These women, who have replied, must be thanked.   By opening and sharing their lives with us, they have broken the silence which exists on this topic.
                   And these women are not an average sample of the population but a special group of women – our readers.   Also, we don’t know whether all readers have similar experiences.   Research has show that those who volunteer to respond have an above average interest in the topic.
                  Many women wrote in asking questions and clarifications about a variety of topics – from masturbation and frigidity to lack of pleasure.   Maybe, we’ll deal with these questions in future issues of SAVVY.
                


                  But for now the results.

                                               SEX HABITS:  Sex is pleasurable
                                       

  I HAVE SEX EVEN IF                    Often           Rarely          Never                                                                                                                            I DON’T FEEL LIKE.                         29%            46%              23% 
  I INITIATE LOVE –                         48%            45%                5%                                                                                                       MAKING.        
  I FEEL LIKE                                     22%            32%              39%                                                                                        HAVING AN AFFAIR.
  SEX FOR ME IS                               74%            19%               3%                                                                                         PLEASURABLE.
  I HAVE AN ORGASM.                    49%            31%              14%
   

                                                                   INDIAN WOMEN

RADIANT RESPONSE
                    Our respondent aged from 20 to 44 years, mainly in the age group 25-34.   They were highly educated – 95% being college graduates.   Half had attended co-ed schools, the other half schools for girls only.   90% had been to English medium schools.   All the religious groups were represented, the majority being Hindus 72%, Christians 10%, Muslims 5%, others 13%.
                    Replies came from almost all the states   -  Haryana,  Himachal,  J & K,  Punjab,  Rajasthan,  UP,  Bihar,  Assam,  Meghalaya,  Nagaland,  Bengal,  Gujarat,  Maharashtra,  Madhya Pradesh,  Andhra Pradesh,  Karnataka,  Kerala,  Tamil Nadu.   The most, 37% were from Bombay.  
There were responses from not only the metros but also from places as far and wide as Coimbatore,  Kochi,  Hospet,  Bhopal,  Raipur,  Nagpur,  Kharagpur  Lucknow,  Ghaziabad,  Jodhpur,  Kota,  Ludhiana, and Amritsar.
                   78% of the women were married 6% divorced/separated.   Of those married most had one or two children.  Half of them lived in nuclear families and 25% in joint families.   Half of them had arranged marriages and 25% had love and arranged-cum-love-the latter a typical Indian situation.   Approximately half were working – either employed, or in their own business or assisting in family business, 9% were still students.
                  Of those working, 36% made under Rs. 2,500 a month, 36% between Rs. 2,500 – 5,000, and 28% over Rs. 5,000.   The rest did not reveal their personal incomes.   Family incomes wee high with 20% below Rs. 5,000 and 59% over Rs. 6, 000 a month.
                                           Knowledge of Sex: Amazing Awareness                                                                         
                  How do we find out about sex?   At what age?   Is what we learn sufficient?   About 59% knew about sexual intercourse before they were 15 years of age.   By the time they were 20 years, 90% were aware of it.
                  41% learnt about sex through books, 31% through friends, but school played a very minor role.
                  Among the older women (between years 35-44) ‘friends’ were a major source of information, while younger women learnt from ‘books’.
               
                 The lack of sexual education, its consequences and the need for more open discussion was stressed repeatedly.
                 One reader wrote in and said,   “sex creates a feeling of fear and guilt in the minds of girls like me because no one ever talks about it.   I have always blamed my mother for not revealing the bare facts of sex and related activities.   I had to find them out from books and others.   Because of inhibitions even friends did not want to discuss it.   Being very curious I had sex with an older man to find out what it was all about.”
                                               Early experience:  Raring to Romance
                   Is there romance in Indian women’s lives?   It appears so.   61% mentioned having had boyfriends.   This is not restricted to the younger generation.   But it’s a college phenomenon – half were below 20 when they first had a boy friend.
            
                Is it innocent romance?   23% said they did nothing, 41% had kissed, 37% cuddled and touched, 13% stimulated the genitals and 7% had sex, 81% of our sample had intercourse.   Of those that had not, most wanted to remain virgins, or had not yet met the right guy.
                 The first sexual intercourse was initiated by the women themselves in 18% of the cases.  28% said their first experience had been a little forced.
                 One misconception is:   blood on the sheets on the first night.   Only half the women in our survey bled during their first sexual intercourse.   To clarify one woman’s query, the hymen can stretch and break during normal activity, and the lack of one does NOT mean that you are not a virgin.   The experience was a mixed one  -  of fear, pain and also pleasure as the table indicates.  60% felt some fear, 78% pain.  However despite this, 67% derived some pleasure in their first act.   Things seem to be changing however, with the younger women more positively disposed and better prepared.   Only 6% of the older women felt no fear during their first sexual intercourse, compared to 27% in the age group 20-24.
                                            Sex within Marriages:   Action filled
                 One out of five married women has had sex with her husband before marriage.   Again this is not a new phenomenon; the number is constant in all age groups.   The Hindi film cliché of the terrors of the wedding night doesn’t seem to be true either.   Of the women who had not slept with their fiancés, only 32% had sex on the day of their wedding, 14% on the day after the wedding and 32% within a week of their wedding.
                  Sex life on the average is active. 64% of the married women had sex almost every day, during the first year of marriage.  16% say they currently do it every day.   Almost half have sex a couple of times a week.   However 32% wished that their sexual activity was more, in quality and frequency.   What makes for a good marriage?   Over 80% felt that caring and affection were important, 60% said food sex.
                
                     68% are almost always nude while having sex.   Only 2% are never completely nude.   94% take their clothes off sometime or the other while making love.   The pattern is almost identical among their husbands.   It is perhaps a rare occasion that one of the partners is naked and the other is not during sexual intercourse.
                                 
                                       


                                        OPINION ON SEXUAL DESIRE:


                                                          
                                                             Decreased       Increased      Remained the same
I FEEL WITH AGE
SEXUAL NEEDS HAVE….                  25%              50%                   24%
                                                                                                                                                AFTER A CHILD MY
SEXUAL DESIRE HAS…..                   18%              27%                  29%


                                
  

                       
                       Wham bang and thank you ma’am is NOT the pattern.
                       47% said love-making lasts for less than 30 minutes.    Love –making last beyond 30 minutes in a little over 50% in the age group of 20-29 years and 35-44 years.   The duration of intercourse is at its lowest during the early 30s and picks up in the later years.  
                       One in five married women has had sex with a man other than her husband, the majority with one or two men – through a few have mentioned upto 20.   Most often these were with friends-57%, 22% with relatives, and 11% with work acquaintances.   
                     Wives are trusting of their husbands – three quarters were positive that their husband had not had sex after marriage with anyone other than themselves.
                     In over 90% of the cases the couples use the missionary man above position.  30% have the woman positioned above.   Making love sideways was mentioned by 11%.  Various others were from behind, one wrote many ‘Kamasutra positions.   There is a distinct trend in the intercourse method, as age progresses couples break away from the most common position.   i.e. missionary, and start experimenting with other positions.   The incidence of woman on top and sideways is greater among older women.    
                     Sexual postures preferred by women follows the currently used positions; with fewer women preferring the man-on-top variety.   The question on oral sex was unclear, on distinction was made about who does what to whom.   However 86% said they have experienced oral sex, and 47% enjoyed it.
                      To those women who have asked   “is my need to have more sex normal?   Am I over-sexed if I desire more?   I desire it two three times a week, he twice a month.”   No, you are not abnormal – one in three women who answered our survey wished their sexual activity was more in quality and frequency.  48% felt it was satisfactory.
                      With the differing sex needs, it was often women who took the initiative.   However, some because of their conditioning did so with guilt.
                      A 44-year-old woman asked, “it is always me who has to ask for it and that gives me a feeling of “wanton” or “undesired.”  I sometimes get a complex now.   Many times I have decided I will not go to him but I’ve suffered for I crave for it and he doesn’t come.  Is it unlady like to make the first move always?   Am I sexcrazy?”
                                          Woman to Woman:  Revealing passions
                     The romantic feelings women have towards other women, is a phenomenon little known, little talked about.   And even if talked about it is often viewed as perverted, as the following experience shows.   One woman said,   “When my friend’s family members discovered she was gay she was told to leave home forever.   So if we disclose our feelings, we earn nothing but disgrace and disapproval from those who learn about our problems or know what we are exactly.   Therefore we keep it to ourselves to avoid the disgrace, the label.   We have to do things very secretively and if we encounter any problems we solve it ourselves.   This has happened to many of my friends and to me as well.   “However it is not uncommon.   About 14% in this study have had a romantic relationship with another woman.   It occurred usually at a young age with 50% having a relationship before they were 16 years.
                    For most it was experimental:  a majority had a romantic relationship with just one woman.   One in four had romantic relationships with more than two women.  26% currently have a female lover. 
                                                   Masturbation: Myth exploded
                     Contrary to popular belief, 61% of the women have masturbated, with the incidence rising with increase in age. 
                 Of the 61% who had masturbated at some time or the other, 56% continue to masturbate currently.   Many wrote “my husband never satisfies me so I masturbate afterwards.”
                                             
                                       OPINION ON SEXUAL BEHAVIOUR
                                  
                                                                                                    
SLEEP WITH SOMEONE                              Agree                               Disagree                                  
WITH NO PLAN TO MARRY.                        47%                                  52%
SLEEP WITH SOPMEONE                              48%                                  50%
PLANNING TO MARRY.                               
SLEEP WITH SOMEONE                                28%                                  71%
JUST FOR PLEASURE.                                     
ALRIGHT TO HAVE AN                                28%                                  72%                  
EXTRA MARITAL AFFAIR.
HUGGING & CUDDLING                              72%                                  24%
MORE IMPORTANT THAN SEX.
IT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO                        50%                                  49%
 BE A VIRGIN AT MARRIAGE.                                                                                         

                                                     Molestation: Surprising incidence
                        Women are capable of being used, often without knowing what is going on.   “I was forcibly kissed by my maternal uncle at the tender age of 9.   He later fondled my private parts under the cover of a quilt in presence of my parents who were watching TV.   I was too shocked to retaliate but years later after reading magazine articles, when I could bring myself to tell my mother, she did not take things seriously and even said it was too late and that I must be mistaken.”   The experience can leave scars because since no one talks about it, a girl can feel that it has only happened to her and that she is to blame.   However, the experience is common and one in five women in our study admits to being molested it happened often when they were young.   About half were molested before they were 15 years, with an age range of 2 – 26.  Half did not tell anyone about their experience least of all parents – only 65 told their parents.
                                              Abortion:  Youthful Phenomenon
                      MTP seems to be well accepted by women.  50% have had an abortion at least once.   The incident of abortion is the highest in the age group of 20-25 years, with 52% of the women having undergone their first abortion during this age.
                      Almost all the women had an abortion before they were 35 years.   The incidence of abortion before the women were 20 years is about 12%.
                      Of the women who went through an abortion 25% were unmarried.   The incidence of unmarried women abortion foetus is more prevalent.   This indicates a surprisingly high level of unawareness about contraceptives.   A lady doctor shared her experience.  “I am a doctor and am doing my RMO in Gynecology.  At the hospital I have seen so many educated women coming to do abortions and sometimes we abort a living baby.   Even well educated women do not take precautions when they indulge in premarital sex, which leads to terrible consequences.”
                                                                   TYPES
                    The Indian woman’s sex life is complex, and the averages above hide the wide range of experiences that women have.
                    There are those who want to remain virgins before they are married, those who believe that experimentation is necessary to know your partner.   There are those who after marriage are most satisfied with their husbands.   Others are not, but would not d anything about it.   Still others find lovers to make their lives tolerable.   And we also have swinging couples.   The following excerpts from letters we have received along with the filled in questionnaire gives an idea about the range of experiences.
                                      

                                                “I wanted to have his baby”
                      I was 19 when I met HIM.   I had intercourse with him after 4 months.  I had thought earlier that my virginity would be a gift to my husband.  I never regretted anything – once I was in it and couldn’t stop because the fulfillment, the completeness, the warmth, the love, the bond that love –making gave was beyond anything.
                     “Only sometimes would he say that he could marry me.   This is because we followed different religions.   We broke up because of the fights.”
                      “One day my friend told me he was getting married and I cried.   I met him again, and our relationship recommenced on a more mature footing. We never used contraceptives….and I became pregnant.   I was overjoyed and wanted to have his baby.   But he was still in college, and so I had an abortion.”
                       “We still have our fights about marriage.   He feels I can marry someone else.  But I say no – I can belong to one man only.”
                                                 “For years I tolerated everything”
                        “I had an arranged marriage with am man a year older than myself and realized he was abusive, violent and suspicious.   He did not respect me in front of family and friends.   For years I tolerated everything – hi violent behavior, his abusive tongue, the daily sex.   I thought his behavior may change if had another child.   We already had two.   However, in the third month of pregnancy I realized that nothing was changing.   So I had an abortion.   It was a depressing experience and I lost all confidence in myself.
                        “I got a job, and slowly started regaining my confidence.   By chance I met someone and we started having an affair – sex was always in haste and in most awkward and ridiculous positions.   But the affair gave much to my marriage.   Now I can bear my husband’s scolding’s, and insults with a smile on my face.   Whenever his behavior is insulting I have sex with the other fellow and relieve myself from all the anger and humiliation.”
                                                        “The key lies in love”
                        “To begin with I just couldn’t have an orgasm though I enjoyed love-making.   My husband and I were madly in love with each other so I was able to convey my frustrations to him.   With oral sex and a long foreplay I was able to have fabulous orgasms again.   The key lies in love, understanding and good communication of each other’s needs.”
                                              “…..and I met a wonderful lover”
                          A 36-year-old keralite living in Bombay – “I did not know what sexual pleasure was till I met this BEST but driver from UP, he was married and a wonderful lover.  He lived in a slum, me in a beautiful 4-room house.   When we walked together hand in hand we were oblivious of other people’s stares.   The affair broke up when his wife bore him a baby, the facts which were totally concealed from me.   He had told me he was separated from her.   In May ’87 I conceived.   He abhorred daughters and forced me into an abortion after the sex determination test.   In anger I got myself sterilized.
                        “My husband is religious minded and a social person and offers no companionship to me whatsoever.   Even his sexual libido is on the wane and sometimes we have sex only once or twice a month.   I satisfy myself with masturbating but am still looking out for a sexual partner.”
                                    “Lots are drawn as to who does what to whom….”
                       “I have enjoyed oral, dual and vaginal sex and perform periodically. I have adopted all sexual postures.   I mostly initiate love-making.   My husband and I regularly watch blue movies.   I have 4 other couple friends and we get together in our farm house once a month where we swim, play cards, listen to erotic music, view blue films, drink whisky heavily.   At night, under the psychedelic lights, lots are drawn as to who does what to whom and we have group sex.   Once in 2 months, our group exchanges their spouses for a weekend (night) which is also thrilling and enjoyable.”
                                         “We would like another like-minded couple”
                        “My husband and I have threesomes with another girl of my liking.  We fantasise during sex because he likes it.   I too have developed a liking for it, during intercourse.   We would like another like-minded couple to join us but there is no chance of knowing any.”
                                                “Sex was rewarded with……”
                         “I had daily sex with the chief executive of a multinational company to entertain him, to use our company for some business.   My liberal attitude towards sex was rewarded with a good 30 lakh contract annually.”
                          Each woman has to understand her own sexuality, her own nature.   Often we have been dumped with a man’s view, a man’s perspective on sexuality – women’s view, needs and experience are crucial to develop a balanced view and this survey is just the first step in breaking silence.   Women vary.   Their sexual needs vary.   Their desires vary.   The same amount of sexual activity may be too much for one woman and too little for another.   One thing the survey definitely teaches us, that there are no stereotypes.
                     



                     There is no one picture. So, no one can tell us   “Indian women are not like this.”



                                               
                                                 Sex and the Single girl

                                    . 72% have had boy friends                     
                             . 67% have experienced sexual intercourse
                                       . 4% have been paid for sex
                                 .6% currently have a woman lover
                                        .79% currently masturbates
                                       . 33% have had an abortion
         

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